I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
