just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
