A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
