I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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