I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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