I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
