I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
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I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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