he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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