I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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