dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
