Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
