the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Randomize
