so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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