did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
