I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
