i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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