from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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