i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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