We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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