I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
