if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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