tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
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super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
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Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going