that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.