a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.