Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
