Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
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