I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
