Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
