How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
