I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
