she woke up with a sticky ear
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
