Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." π ππ·
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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