she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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