I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
