worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
