Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
