i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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