I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
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I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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