i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
