i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
