yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
