Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
