Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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