just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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