I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
