I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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