I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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