Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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