Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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