I'm so fucking centered right now
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
