I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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