Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
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