The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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