apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
