He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
