i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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