I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
