Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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