I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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