he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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