her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
