she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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